Fireflies
by VannHazel
Summary: "If you can look me in the eyes, Eli, and tell me that you want all of those feelings and moments with another woman… Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me anymore, and I'll leave you alone to start over." ECLARE ONESHOT


_**You'll find that many of my stories will have to so with pregnancy/miscarriage/stillbirth. This stems from the fact that I had a miscarriage in the past, so it's a subject that I have a lot of emotion toward. **_

_**Expect many Eclare babies from me in future fics. **_

_**I adore babies.**_

_**This one, however, is quite sad and is not about living babies. : /**_

_**Angst time.**_

_**Vann**_

He planted a hesitant kiss on her forehead; the feeling of his warm lips jerked her from her teary haze and back into the cruel reality.

"I'm done, Clare." He was leaving for an irresolute period of time. "I don't know if, uh… When I'll be back."

"Can you just talk to me, please? Is it so much to ask? Eli, I need you to tell me that it'll be okay."

Home was no longer warm; the air was stiff and reeked of bitterness and dead hope and a pain that burned her deeply to the core.

"Nothing to talk about."

She was soon to be alone with her afflictions, in the apartment that had once held all of her dreams.

"You weren't the only one who lost her, Eli! You don't know what it's like to know that your body rejected… killed your child! B-But I don't push you away, do I? I need you to be here with me… I need you, babe." She took a step toward him.

He took one backward.

She would never stop blaming herself, because he never gave her the reassurance that her heart so desperately craved.

"There's nothing left keeping us together."

He grabbed the doorknob resolutely and turned his back to her shaking form, a duffle bag slung carelessly over his shoulder.

"You took me out to the Blue River that night, remember? The night we first bought the test at Beardman's Pharmacy, and-and you made me take it in that porta-john because you were too anxious to wait any longer." Clare blurted out before he could step into the hallway. He stopped his movements, but didn't turn around. She spoke to his back, spewing words of desperation in his general direction. "It was dark out and no one else was around us. You sprayed mosquito repellant all over my skin, but made sure I didn't breath it in so I wouldn't hurt the baby… There were fireflies all over, remember? And you-you caught one and trapped it in your hands, and you put it in that jar for me… I named him Franco, and you said he was my gift… The first of many gifts you'd give me for carrying your baby… We lay out under the stars and we made love out there, on that tie blanket from your Aunt Linda, with all of the fireflies and bugs around us. And afterward, when the temperature dropped and you couldn't feel your toes, when we drove back to the cabin… you said it would be a tradition to go up there, every July, for the rest of our lives, and stay in that little cabin. You said eventually it would be filled with little Goldsworthy babies and toys and it might be a little bit crowded, but you said it would be great anyway, as long as it was me and you… And when we got back, we called CeCe and Bullfrog and told them that they would have to decide if they wanted another generation to call them by their nicknames, or if they wanted to be Grandma and Grandpa… And when we went to sleep that night, you kissed my stomach over and over again and talked to her, like she was your new best friend… It was the greatest day of our lives, Eli. It was the day we went from Clare and Eli, to mom and dad… No matter what happened, and how much everything has gone to complete shit, you can't honestly tell me that you forgot those fireflies and that new kind of love that we felt…" Clare wiped her face clean of tears and lowered her voice, hoping that he hadn't been drowning her out during her last desperate attempt to keep the love of her life with her. "If you can look me in the eyes, Eli, and tell me that you want all of those feelings and moments with another woman… if you want to miss out on July's at the cabin… if you want to kiss someone else's belly and-and catch fireflies for her in Mason jars while laying by the river… If you can look me in the eyes and tell me all of those things, then I will let you walk out of that door without a single objection… Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me anymore, Eli, and I'll leave you alone to start over."

She took a deep breath and eased toward his still body, bracing herself for a cold reply and the eerie silence of what was once _their _home.

"I-I-I just want our Jenny, Clare." His voice broke miserably and he let go of the door handle, his hand falling lifelessly to his side. "We didn't even get to know her, or hold her, or show her how much we loved her… I can't stop thinking of how blue she was, and cold, and how cute she looked when I first saw her, before I knew anything was wrong. And how I just wanted to hold you, and her, and have a family… And then the doctor rushed her away, and I just knew… I knew that I'd never be happy again…" He turned around slowly, greeting her devastated blue eyes with equally crushed green ones. "Julia, Jenny… everything that I love is ripped away from… I can't live my life just waiting for you to be ripped away too."

"You can't think that way, Eli. Life isn't about waiting for the bad… It's about loving the good and holding it close while you can." Clare wrapped her arms around him and he squeezed her tightly, relishing in the fact that he could once again feel something.

He broke down, and she soon followed.

They clung to one another, collapsing onto the worn carpet and mourning the loss of the daughter that they never got to know. Sobs racked their bodies and Eli's duffle bag lay forgotten at the foot of the doorway. He ran a hand through her auburn curls, appreciating the softness of her that he hadn't noticed for months and the warmth of her body that he'd forgotten about. She cried piteously into his t-shirt and hung onto him for dear life long after his eyes had dried out.

She knew in those moments that he wasn't going anywhere. She'd found her Eli again and he would comfort her, and they would build themselves back up to where they were. She knew that they would be happy again, and that was enough for her at that time.

And he knew in those moments that he'd never leave her, because he could never picture holding another woman in that way, or kissing her like he kissed Clare, or loving her with the intensity that he felt at the sight of Clare, or catching fireflies for her in Mason jars before making love by the river.

_**I know, I know, that ending was 100 percent corny as heck.**_

_**Review anyways!**_

_**And I promise I will update Foolish Games, Jump and 15 Years this week.**_

_**My exams are all today, so I've been studying (other than this one-shot.)**_

_**Vann**_


End file.
